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Soul Mate

2010-08-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

1. In your opinion, is there such thing as a “soul mate?” If so, is there one soul mate for every person, or might there be many?

I do believe in “soul mates” – meaning someone that we can soulfully connect to, share similar beliefs, emotionally connect with, and have a deep understanding of one another. Soul mates may not recognize one another immediately and may need to get to know one another on a deeper level to connect soulfully. I also believe we have many soul mates; some may even be of the same, such as deep friendships.

2. Once the magic of new-found love wears off, how can couples keep the relationship strong?

As the new-found oceanic feeling of love wears off, which in most cases it does, couples need to have the skills to keep intimacy alive. There are many communication programs available, yet the one I’ve found that develops true intimacy (in-to-me-see) is the Relationship Enhancement program called Mastering the Mysteries of Love and I recommend every couple to take it, even before entering marriage.

3. What advice would you give to singles that have all but given up on finding that special someone?

The time when singles “give up” on finding that special someone is often when they actually find him or her. What I hope is that singles not “settle” for what they truly desire in a life partner. The Journey to Love: Attracting & Building Loving Relationships program assists singles in getting clear with what they truly desire in a partner and a relationship. We often attract what we don’t want, because we haven’t yet learned the lessons of what we truly do want.

4. Since raising children can tax even the strongest relationships, what are three Must-Do tips for couples looking to re-spark their marriage during or after raising kids?

Daily quality times together, just the two of you, even if it’s to just talk about your day. • Commit to weekly date nights. Get a babysitter and I suggest picking a week night, because you’re less likely to be interrupted by family or friends that want to join you. • Get away time just the two of you. It doesn’t have to be an expensive vacation. It could be a weekend road trip and stay at a Bed & Breakfast. Getting away allows you time to sleep in, have leisure, relax together, talk about future dreams and goals and have fun as a couple. Plan several mini get-a-ways throughout the year or a yearly week- or two-week long vacation.

5. With our population aging, what are some things couples can do to keep their relationship together while in retirement and/or while caring for ill parents?

7 Things You Need to Know

2010-05-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

seem like it's the same old thing? Does it feel frustrating at times? What you don't know about can hurt you and your spouse! In our more than 3a5 years (combined) counseling couples, researching, and training other Christian therapists, we've discovered human continues to develop and reveal new information. Here are seven "biggies" about that most couples don't know.

1. Initiating isn't the only way to express desire.
Although 80 percent of couples report that the husband wants more often than his wife, this may be a skewed number—partly because of the way we define desire. Most of us typically think of desire as a hunger for—often with thoughts or fantasies—that prompts us to initiate.

It turns out, however, that most women experience a receptive type of desire. Twenty years of research confirms that for many women desire is "triggered" by thoughts and emotions arising during excitement, not before. So when a husband becomes frustrated because he wants his wife to pursue him and he believes that she has no interest in because she doesn't do that, he's actually not giving her enough credit! Most women will respond positively to advances—they just don't initiate them because that's not the way they were designed.

Since our culture defines desire as that initiating/seeking behavior, we don't identify a women's receptivity as desire. But men and women (usually) respond to different types of stimuli and approach differently their.

This is a key area of misunderstanding between husbands and wives. Many women have commented to us, "I enjoy once we're 10 to 15 minutes into foreplay, and I think, Wow! We should do this more often! But during the week I hardly ever think about it. I wish I felt more than I do, because I enjoy the closeness it brings."

Most of us assume our partner should act like we do. By recognizing that most men are proactive with and most women are reactive, and then by accepting and respecting those differences, we can allow a woman's type of desire to "count."

2. Breastfeeding has a direct link to frequency.
Lowered drive is extremely common after childbirth, and even throughout the first year, particularly in breastfeeding women. Many couples don't realize the impact childbirth and breastfeeding can have on their life. Prolactin, the hormone that enables women to make breast milk, also lowers drive—though scientists still can't tell us why. Breastfeeding women frequently feel tired, overwhelmed, and—in their own words—"like a cow" during the early months of breastfeeding. Yet their husband's drive hasn't lessened.

Remaja Ngentot

2010-04-27T06:15:00.001-07:00

Children as young as eight are wearing coloured bands said to show what acts they are willing to perform.

The "shag bands" which supposedly commit wearers to everything from a cuddle to full sparked outrage among parents and charities.

The rubber bangles look just like innocent friendship bracelets and come in a wide range of trendy neon colours.

The wearer of a yellow band commits to a hug, while a black band is said to denote a willingness for full. Other colours represent oral, kissing, love bites, lap dancing and flashing.

Mum Shannel Johnson yesterday said she was shocked when her eightyear-old daughter Harleigh told her about the bands' hidden meaning. Shannel, 32, from Sheffield, said: "Initially I didn't see the harm in her having these bands, in my day they were called friendship bracelets.

"But later Harleigh told me, 'These are called shag bands you join two together and whoever snaps them apart you have to shag them'."
Almost 11,000 people are listed on Facebook as fans of the shag bands, which sell for as little as 40p in high street stores like New Look and Claire's Accessories.

Internet forums suggest the bands have different meanings in different schools. In some, the colour represents the acts the wearer has done. In others, the number of shag bands indicates the number of partners they have had.

Claude Knights, director of children's charity Kidscape said there was a danger paedophiles might use the bands to target vulnerable youngsters. She said: "I fear for innocent young boys and girls who wear these bands unaware of the new meaning attached to them.

"Headteachers need to ensure children are aware of the dangers and I can understand why some schools may wish to ban them."

Peter Robinson, from New Look, insisted the company marketed the bands as innocent friendship bracelets.

He said the firm was unaware of theirmeaning, but added it might now be willing to consider a ban.

Mr Robinson said: "If we receive enough complaints we will decide whether we will continue selling."

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How to Select the Right Therapist

2010-04-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

By Dr. Neil Cannon, certified therapist

A dear friend called me yesterday and asked for help with a complex concern. I told him I couldn’t see him professionally since we are personal friends; however I stressed the importance of selecting the right counselor. Decisions made in therapy can affect the rest of your life. “Well then,” he said, “Help me find TheWhisperer.” Yikes, how’s that for pressure?

The first thing we discussed was his big picture needs. There are five main categories of mental health professionals. Most can potentially be a good choice as your therapist.

PSYCHIATRISTS: Not many psychiatrists are therapists; however, they are medical doctors and can therefore prescribe medication. I encourage my clients who are candidates to be treated with medication to see a psychiatrist rather than their family physician. I have nothing against general practitioners; however, this is a world of specialization. Remember – the person who allegedly administered that lethal dose of anesthesia to Michael Jackson was a cardiologist. Whoops!

LICENSED PSYCHOLOGISTS (PhDs): Psychologists cannot prescribe medicine but are highly educated mental health professionals who can be particularly effective working with people who have complex mental health issues. Many leading therapists are psychologists.

LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKERS (LCSW): Despite the connotation that often goes with that of a “social worker,” many brilliant therapists come up through the ranks of social work, so don’t let that label scare you.

LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELORS (LPC): As you might surmise from their title, some of the best therapists in the business are LPCs.

LICENSED MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPISTS (LMFT): All things being equal, an LMFT can be an excellent choice. In most states, marriage and family therapists take at least two additional years to obtain post-graduate certification after they obtain their master’s degree. Perhaps most importantly, the training LMFTs receive focuses on helping people with relationship issues.

Now for the specific criteria to consider as you drill down....

1 First and foremost, select a therapist you feel comfortable with. Outcome studies indicate that up to 50% of the benefits people receive from therapy is dependent on how comfortable they feel with their therapist.

2 Secondly, look for a therapist that is certified by the American Association of Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). The AASECT certification process is demanding with rigid requirements in terms of both education and clinical experience.

3 Next, make sure the therapist you select has specific experience with your particular concern. You don’t want your therapist learning about the nuances of delayed ejaculation on your dime.

4 Lastly, make sure the finances of seeking help work for you. Most certified therapists don’t accept insurance; however, many do accept credit cards. Some offer sliding scales while others offer discounts for clients who pre-pay sessions. In any event, all therapists should be perfectly willing to discuss the economics with you.

To sum it up, if you want to find your own Whisperer – select one, don’t settle for one!

Top 10 Holiday Tips

2010-04-10T06:30:00.000-07:00

A couple I was working with this time last year was seeing me because they had a gap in their desire. He wanted more than she did. Neither of them was right or wrong, they simply had a gap to close.

In the case of this couple, the holidays were making matters worse. During one session, the woman told me that she was too busy shopping, cooking, partying, decorating and baking to have. “And if that’s not enough,” she said, “my in-laws will be with us.”

It’

s easy to have a “no, low” holiday if that’s what you and your partner really want. On the other hand, if you’d like more intimacy in your relationship, there is no better time than the holidays to get started. The holidays are filled with romantic energy if you take the time to soak it all in. The holidays are a great way to create more passion, be more connected, bring you closer and leave you feeling more intimate as you go into the New Year.

Here are 10 simple and quick tips for better holiday and intimacy…

1. Make a priority. Being intentional about is the first step toward getting what you want. Spontaneous is wonderful. However, spontaneous plus planned will get you more during the busy holiday season.

2. Have at least one conversation every day with your partner about. Collaborate and conspire as to when and where your next adventure will occur.

3. Break your pattern. Long, seductive nights while watching the snow fall can be wonderful, but don’t forget the quickies. That’s what God made mistletoe for!

4. Be giving. We all know that it’s better to give than to receive.

5. Watch romantic holiday movies “together.” Do a Google search for “romantic holiday movies” and you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other. And yes, men, it is okay to cry during Bridget Jones Diary.

6. Get rid of your “to do” lists and enjoy the holiday preparations together. Stop and smell the pine needles.

7. Go easy on food and drink. It is easy to over-indulge during the holidays and, unfortunately, feeling stuffed doesn’t generally make for a night.

8. Get creative. If you have family over or are staying with someone else, that doesn’t mean has to be off the table. It just means you might want to keep your yodeling turned down a bit. Turning the volume up on the radio isn’t a bad idea either if grandma is sleeping in the room next to you.

9. Do something silly and. Have you ever had with an elf? How about Mrs. Clause? I hear she can be quite naughty.

10. Finally, your prescription for the holidays is one hot, steamy, five-second kiss at least two times per day. What a great reminder that you and your partner are always first in each other’s lives. After all, ‘tis the season to be!

Feminist

2010-04-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

The definitive history of feminist pornography has yet to be written. Even when it is (and I'm counting the days) hopefully it won't attempt to create a monolithic single definition of what feminist pornography is. From a health perspective it's much more interesting to look at what porn that has been identified as feminist adds to our understanding of expression than to argue about what does or does not qualify as feminist porn.

It’s important to distinguish the relatively new idea or production of explicitly feminist pornography from the slightly older, and much more thoroughly documented discourse of feminist responses to pornography. Feminists making pornography and calling it feminist is a very different topic than feminists talking about pornography other people have made.

What Makes Pornography Feminist?

Here are a few criteria people making and writing about feminist porn have suggested for what makes pornography feminist:

there is a focus on female pleasure
the material is primarily (or solely) made by women
the material has a mission, its primary goal is not to arouse, but to engage on a political level
the content is made by someone who self-identifies as feminist
there is a conscious effort to challenge traditional gender and roles and stereotypes in the dialogue and action
the production is “ethical” and considers the safety and dignity of the performersmaterial that is as much about representation of identity and pleasure of the people in the production as it is about getting the viewer off
Whether you’re satisfied with some or all of those criteria, and whether you’re even willing to accept the idea that there can be feminist pornography depends largely on how you feel about porn, feminism, and an individual’s right to name things for themselves.

Fears Are Normal for Aging Men

2010-04-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

I have a male patient in his sixties. Let’s call him Dave. The last time Dave had was 40 years ago in “Small Town USA.” Dave remembers clearly that Richard Nixon was president and it was the summer of Woodstock.

When Dave was in his twenties he had intercourse for the first time. Not surprisingly, shortly after penetration, Dave ejaculated. Sadly, the young woman mocked Dave, and to make matters worse, she spread the word to their mutual friends that Dave was a “premature ejaculator.” As heartbreaking as it is, for all these years Dave has been too ashamed and afraid to have another intimate relationship.

Dave’s situation is extreme, however, when it comes to coming – or when it comes to in general, many men experience a multitude of fears. Am I normal? Am I big enough? Am I too big? Do I last long enough? How can I ejaculate faster? These are the types of questions I get in my therapy practice every day.

Part of the problem is that many of the beliefs men have about their come from porn, where the actors are carefully cast for size, shape and cut. Think about this: other than in porn, how many men have actually seen another man’s erect? Porn stars are generally young, good looking, and can come on command. It’s called “the money shot,” and trust me guys, it’s the editors that should get the credit. Mere mortals can’t match up with porn stars, nor should they try.

As men age, there is a very interesting cycle that few people know about – however, it is very normal. The cycle looks something like this… When men are younger, they tend to be like Dave and ejaculate sooner than they want. When men get older they tend to lose the ability to stay hard as long as they want. As a result, what frequently happens is that to avoid losing their erections or not ejaculating at all, many older men rush to ejaculation as soon as they can after penetration. As one patient told me, “It’s better to come too soon than not at all.”

The bottom line is that this natural physiological cycle can cause men to feel embarrassed, similarly to how Dave felt 40 years ago. The solution boils down to open and loving communication between partners about the reality of the changes that take place with your bodies as you age. If every couple learned to communicate unashamedly about the reality of the changes that take place with their bodies as they age, would be better for everyone.

Or as Neil Armstrong said when he took that first step on the moon way back in 1969 – that would be “one small step for man, and one giant step for mankind.”

What Will Happen When Viagra Goes Generic in 2012?

2009-12-31T02:06:00.000-08:00

The cold, hard facts about Viagra are

pretty straightforward. The Little Blue Pills now cost more than double what they did in 1998 when Viagra was brought to market. This is not good news for many men among our aging populace, especially if their erectile dysfunction is abated with Viagra. They can't just stop taking the medication - not without potentially dire consequences. The patent for Viagra does not run out until March 27, 2012 - a day that will certainly bring cost savings for Viagra dependents.

You can read more about what the effects of Viagra patent expiration mean to consumers in an exclusive article written for AccessRx.

The increasing price of Viagra has left many men to look for other options, including "generic" Viagra. Oftentimes, however, this is not a wise choice for men - many of whom are unaware that "generic" Viagra does not legally exist in the U.S. and is often manufactured in foreign countries with no oversight and regulation. The FDA reports at least half of these medications are found to be ineffective or harmful. These counterfeit drugs are cheaper, but basically, their contents are a mystery. Not a good trade-off.

Pfizer is trying to get all it can out of Viagra before the patent expires. In 2008, Pfizer reported $1.93 billion in revenues for Viagra. However, they may have gone a little too far with their rampant price increases because, for the first time in memory, Pfizer's revenues for Viagra actually dropped in Q3 of 2009

Pfizer has raised the price of Viagra 14 times since 1998, more frequently in recent years. Three of the last four price increases were 9 percent or more.

But that won't stop Pfizer from passing along more bad news to men who depend on Viagra. Come the first of the year, Pfizer will almost certainly increase the price of Viagra again, just like they have every year since 2000. The big pharma companies continue to roll forward in this manner, even in the face of such setbacks as Pfizer's $2.3 billion fine (the largest in the history of mankind) levied by the FDA against Pfizer many months ago.

The only roadbloack ahead for Pfizer's Viagra - and it's a big one - is the March 27, 2012 date for patent expiration.

Winning the Game of Love

2009-12-30T02:39:00.000-08:00

Executing and performing are things that must take place in both football and relationships. Speaking of that,

are you ready for some football?! It’s that time of year, and as a Chicago Bears fan, I'm hoping my team drastically improves its performance this year: and I mean everything from scoring in the Red Zone, to converting third downs and running the two-minute drill. If any team wants to be successful in football, they have to consistently execute in critical areas.

Likewise, if we want to be successful in relationships, we too, must consistently execute and perform in some critical areas. However, most of us guys know more about football than we do about love and intimacy! For example, if I asked you to come up with ten things a football team has to do to win and ten things a man must do to succeed in love, which would be easier for you? Even though I am a relationship coach, the football list is easier for me!

But that is tragic because no matter how much it upsets us when our team loses, it’s nothing compared to the heartache and misery that we experience when our love life fails. So, over the next few editions of this blog, I am going to discuss a number of commitments that we must make if we want to be successful in our love lives.

Commitment # 1: Stop Blaming and Take Responsibility

I’m going to pull a Nancy Reagan here and tell you to “just say no” to blame. You will never have even a decent relationship, much less a great one, if you play the victim by blaming your partner for your feelings, problems or experiences. If you can make a commitment to yourself, that you will never, ever, under any circumstances, blame your partner for anything, your love life will radically be transformed. This is like the commitment to stopping the run in football. You can’t win without it.

But what do you do when you are absolutely, positively certain that something is your partner’s fault? Well, first, keep your commitment. Don’t blame. Just don’t go there. Don’t let the words come out of your mouth. Instead, redirect that accusation energy and use it to fuel deep self-inquiry. In other words, turn your certainty into curiosity. Ask yourself this mind-blowing question: “How might I be responsible for what’s occurring?”

I know how bizarre this sounds. When I first heard the principle that we are 100% responsible for our reality, I thought it was New Age mumbo-jumbo. But when I actually investigated a situation or two that I was sure was someone else’s fault, I always found that I either allowed, invited or required things to be exactly as they were. My curiosity led me to see that I had, in fact, set the whole thing up. This doesn’t mean that our partner (or anyone else) doesn’t have their part, for they too may be 100% responsible. It just means that without us, things would not be unfolding as they are. Let me give you an example.

Know the Mate You Chose and "Deal With It"

I once worked with a couple that was on the verge of divorce because the husband had found out that over their 20 year marriage, his wife had about a dozen affairs. When I first talked to him, he was, of course, terribly hurt, but he also saw himself as the total victim of her behavior and blamed her for ruining their lives. “How could she do this to me?” he said. As we talked, I asked him to tell me about the early days of their relationship, back when they were dating. He said, “We broke up three different times when we were dating because I caught her seeing other guys.”

He knew exactly who she was before they got married! She was simply continuing to be the woman she always was. How then could he claim to be the victim and blame her for his pain? He set the whole thing up. He chose to date and then marry a girl who was a committed cheater. As Jimmy Buffet said, “Some people say that there’s a woman to blame, but I know, it’s my own damn fault.”

Now, is she responsible for her behavior? Of course she is. She was a relationship addict. She certainly had issues. But the critical point is this: None of it could have occurred without him choosing to ignore who he knew her to be. Does this mean he should stay married to her? No! It means he can take responsibility for how he created the mess and for what he wants to do about it now. In the most literal sense, this is absolute freedom.